Between Brick Walls

There's this part inside me, inside my soul, that's DYING to get out. To be free. To be IT again. There's this part of my soul that's me. It's the old me. I miss it dearly. I want to set it free, to let it replace the current disgusting me. Buuuuut, it's stuck. Stuck between brick walls. One is called: confusion. The other: being completely at a loss for what to do.

Daisies.

I really love it when someone does/says/writes something that SCREAMS them. That's simply it.
Like:
When Jordan blogged "i wish gas was free." That made me smile so big because that's totally something she would say X)
When Jeniffer said "I wanna fall asleep holding your hand." <33 (:.
When Katie said "if you name your kid that.. i'll buy you a cat. Named parmazan." XD
When Lexie said "adjectives!" After the Owl City concert. SO.SPANKIN.CUTE.
When Brittney wrote "STABIFIES YOU" on Adrienne's wall.
When Mary winks at me. x)
When Jessica Anderson laughs mockingly.
When Emily makes her surprised face X)
When Brooklyn tweeted: "When in doubt: GET NAKED." XD
When Thomas said "OHMYGOSH. THEY JUST LIED IN CHURCH. THEY SAID THEY WERE FROM KANSAS. KANSAS ISN'T REAL. IT'S MADE UP. FROM THE WIZARD OF OZ."
When Brian calls me mom.
When Jay asks permission to like a girl.
When Ashlynne said "With a personality like this.. who needs pants?"
When Alex says "dis is mah beest fren."
When Kimberly asks me & Dani if we're buying Flowers and Kit-Kats when we visit her at Wal*Mart :')
When Emily calls me "dandelion."
When Peter "dances." X)
WHEN ADRIENNE POSTED "I need to talk to the clouds." :'))
When Thomas asked me if he could follow me around.
WHEN LIZ TWEETS ABOUT LUKE.
When Aspen says "you boo-hoo berry."
When Emma uses her dumb voice. :)
When Jordan said "SAY YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT A BOY IS!" That's my favorite. (x

Brick by Boring Brick

I'm done kissing up to you, telling you i'm sorry, begging for your forgivness. I'm through with feeling guilty and broken because of all the pain "iiiiii" caused you. Because now i realize, you asked for it.

But instead, i'll fight back. I'll fight back with every shallow, coldhearted, inconsiderate word you throw at me.
"I'll make your life hell because of them." Sure, fine, ok. But i'm just as capable of doing it in return, too.

I'm Sorry-ology. Forgive Me-ology.

Sorry can be a beautifully exquisit word.
It makes you Vulnerable, yet it shows your senceritiy.
I'm sorry my best isn't good enough. I'm sorry i am who i am. I'm sorry that i'm not what you expected me to be. I'm sorry my greatest and most prized achievment isn't worth anything in your eyes. I'm sorry my flaws destroy instead of keep me who i am. I'm sorry my flaws aren't perfect. I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm sorry for not understanding. I'm sorry for being a naive, dumb disgrace.

Forgive me for being a dissappointment. Forgive me.
As soon as i can, i'll leave you alone. All i ask of you is to remember that other lives depend on you. Don't do anything stupid. I'll wish you happiness for all the times i shamed you.
Forgive me, i'll try not to be too much like myself anymore.

Lipgloss

(I meant to post this liiiike.. 3 months ago. Oops. ^_^)
Last night, around 1in the morning, Lexie and I talked about things we thought about this whole week. 
And it made me really think of how other people make you who you are and who you aren't. People you love and care about will inspire you to be more spontaneous and express yourself more. 
But then people who are 'popular' and who carry themselves in a way that seems more superior then everyone else will encourage you to HANG ON TO who you really are.
What IS popular? I don't think it means that everyone knows you, I think it means that your friends know so much about you. I think it would suck to be 'popular.' Because everyone would know your mistakes, your struggles, your insecurities. 
And people who have never met you, would ONLY know the negative things about you. Never giving you a TRUE pure chance of friendship. I don't want everyone to know my mistakes and struggles. I wouldn't want anyone else to tell them. And I wouldn't tell them myself unless I decided they should know about something specific. I want THEM to figure out by getting to know me and knowing how I am. Then they decide if my insecurities are too much for them, or make me more of who I am.     

Jellyfish

Sometimes, when I'm reading, when I'm watching something, 
when I'm talking, when I'm listening to music, I can feel my sight
slowly fading. 
You know when you're really thirsty, but you don't realize how thirsty
you are until you get a big glass of water and drink it all? And suddenly
all the water's gone. Then you're surprised at how thirsty you were. 
It's kinda like that. 
I know my sight won't get better. In fact, it's supposed to get worse 
as time goes on. 
I'm told this a terrible situation, everyone says how sorry they are for me,
that everything will be ok. 
Why?
What's so tragic about it? 
I'm thankful for it. 
Being born with bad eye sight, the optimologist told me that my
other senses are just a liiittle stronger then everyone else's. 
I can feel when someone is in the room without them talking
or making noise. Hear something out of the ordinary. I remember the feels of fabrics, objects, things, so easily.
I know how people smell. My suitcase smells like McAllen (: a place I went last summer with my youth group for a missions trip. 
That's where I'll be again this summer. :))
I know what all the different spices in my kitchen tastes like.
My situation is like losing something that'll make you stronger. 
So, is losing my sight a bad thing? 
No. 
Everything else will get better. I'll have, like, super senses. 
A handicapped super hero.
Yeah, I'll be a handicapped super hero. (:.      

Dandelion.

Why do some people think they're better then others?
What does it mean to reeeeally know someone?
What does it mean to be a friend?
Does it mean you know someones name?
Or does it mean that you talk to that person in class daily?
Maybe it means that even though THAT person may not consider
you a friend, you see them as a genuine sincere person, and simply
call them your friend.
Why do some people think art, drawing in class, and expressing
yourself on canvas is dumb?
What if people actually LISTENED instead of just HEARING?
What if friendships were indestructible? And no words, actions,
rumors could tear them apart?
What if you could CHOOSE what happened next In life?
I guess you can kiiiiinda do that, sorts, not really, nevermind.

What if everyone forgave, and forgot. What if hurts and betrayals
were something you could simply crush and throw in the ocean?
And life would just go on, never different.
That could be wonderful, yet horrible.
Wonderful because what's more simple then throwing problems away?
They'd be solved. Nothing to worry about.
But horride because problems shape character. They make your
strengths more distint. And your weaknesses remind you that
you need other people to help you and love you.

What could be worse then an ocean of problems?